to Keep Her in Love with You
By: Susan Dunn
It’s the saddest thing
to listen to a man who has lost
his heart’s darling. The
hardest part is when they don’t
know why, and I hear this more
often than you would imagine.
plaintive, “But I loved
her,” is followed by, “I
have no idea why she left.”
bad enough to lose your love,
without being stupefied on top
of it all. Generally there are
two explanations for this, both
of which you can work on.
first is denial, like the gentleman
who told me he’d lost his
wife and didn’t know why,
but when pressed said it “might”
have been because he had an affair
but “it shouldn’t
have mattered” because “she
knew it didn’t mean anything.”
The answer to this one is to quit
fooling yourself. No one can pull
the wool over your eyes except
you. Rationalizing something you
do that you know has about as
much chance of hitting a home
run as swinging at bad pitches
and then blaming the other person
because you struck out, is the
victim stance. Get out of it and
get responsible for what you do.
second is from general cluelessness.
If you often can’t figure
out what’s going on around
you, you may be in this category
and it, too, has a remedy.
in either place will insure you’ll
love again and lose her again.
Or worse, because you’re
confused, you’ll be afraid
to love again and will choose
women who are inappropriate and
unavailable and then complain
that it never works out. You’ll
stay safe, which is nice, but
you’ll be miserable, which
you’d like to minimize that
possibility, here are some tips.
YOUR EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE
is emotional fluency. It’s
the opposite of cluelessness.
It begins with being aware of
your own feelings, and extends
to include understanding the feelings
of others – the world of
worse this possibility sounds
to you, the more you probably
men start thinking about what’s
in their heart because making
it a mental thing feels better,
but the end result is that you’ll
end up confused. Women don’t
like to be with a man who’s
confused about them. They want
it straight and true.
order to relate to the woman you
love, and to keep the relationship
alive, you have to know about
If not, it will die, and you can
claim you don’t know why,
but is that what you want? Learn
to know why.
second solution is to date her.
did,” you’re saying,
mean date her continually. Continue
to date her.
men are so good at dating, it
must be innate. The trouble is,
it’s aimed toward the initial
conquest, or getting her in bed,
and then they think it can be
glad that’s over,”
you think. “Now I can get
back to the ball game.”
I think there’s an explanation
that you’re a super-dater
when the hormones are raging.
If you interpret this as “feelings,”
and they die down over time, which
they always do, you may not “feel”
like dating her any more, though
you now live with her, or are
married to her. The key is to
not quit doing it.
let’s define dating. What
is it you do so well when you’re
dating? You pay attention to her.
You call, you email, you send
cards and flowers. You hang on
her every word. You look deep
into her eyes. You express your
emotions verbally (“I love
beautiful.”). You hang around,
in fact you can’t be away
from her. You remember what she
tells you, and you remember her
birthday. You’re trustworthy
and you’re there for her,
listening endlessly and effortlessly
as she talks about her emotions,
her day, her dreams and plans,
or your relationship. In fact
it doesn’t matter what she
talks about, you listen and you
listen as if you care, because
you do. It's a means to an end
that you want, so you’re
it worked so well, why don’t
you continue doing it?
IS HARDER THAN GETTING
you want to not just get her,
but keep her, you have to generate
this sort of behavior, not constantly
but enough. It means acting and
showing your love, not just thinking
about it, or worse, assuming it’s
no longer necessary.
be one of those guys who say,
"Of course I love you. I
married you didn't I?" unless
you want to hear one sad day,
"Of course I don't love you
any more. That's why I'm leaving."
do you do this when you don’t
feel like it? The same way you
do your job. It matters to you
in the long-run, so you do it
well even on a day when you don’t
feel like it. It’s “taking
care of business,” and you
know how to do that.
apply this same logic to keeping
the woman you love and generate
the behavior you know will win
you what you want.
someone said, “You don’t
love a woman because she is beautiful,
she is beautiful because you love
her.” The relationship between
the two of you needs your care
and attention too. You can make
it beautiful and lasting as well.
It’s never too late to start
learning how to do that.
Dunn, MA, Personal Life &
EQ Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc
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